


Maybe

by superrunnaturall



Category: bts
Genre: Foster AU, M/M, Twitter AU, if youre here you know whats up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2020-05-16 19:39:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19324756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superrunnaturall/pseuds/superrunnaturall
Summary: A snippet from the universe of the foster au.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [malamyszk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/malamyszk/gifts).



> Hello! i didn't add many tags here, since this fic is meant to go along with the foster au (which is a yoonseok au, although this minific explores a separate relationship in the au, if you know, you know lol) universe, which is an au i (@ agustddtsuga) write on twitter with Kasia (@ malamyszk). if you have not read that au, this probably won't make any sense, so i wouldn't recommend reading this without any knowledge of the foster au! but if you have read the au then welcome! it's been a wild ride lol. (this came about bc i got a cc of someone asking if we would ever explore chris's pov. so here it is.)
> 
> if you haven't read the au, and you want to, you can find the beginning of it: [here](https://twitter.com/malamyszk/status/1010315961449136128)  
> (note: the thread is broken, so you'll have to do direct searches later on to find the rest up until a certain point. there are explanations on how to do that on mine and Kasia's twitters, but you can also dm either of us if you have questions!) i will link my twitter, curiouscat, and kofi at the end! and Kasia's twitter too!
> 
> anyway i just felt like writing this little thing so hopefully it's not completely trash lol

It’s been several weeks. Maybe a few more than several. Long enough so that they’ve begun making summer plans, all vague ideas of ways to keep busy, mostly mentions of new movies coming out and typical summer activities they can do. But it’s been maybe a few more than several weeks and Chris still catches Hoseok looking upset sometimes. He’s good at hiding it, for the most part, and if it weren’t for the fact that they’re always in such close quarters, Chris might not even notice.

But he does notice.

He knows Hoseok is dealing, knows there are breakups that have gone much worse, but it sucks knowing his best friend is hurting. And he doesn’t hate Hoseok’s boyfriend—ex boyfriend— but he doesn’t think Hoseok deserved to get his heart broken like that. Hoseok is…

Hoseok is a lot of things.

While Chris has since noticed Hoseok is upset, still, he’s noticed a lot of other things, too. To be honest, he’s noticed things even before Hoseok broke up with Yoongi, but ignoring things that Chris knows will inevitably end up hurting him if he acknowledges it, is something he’s become good at. But now that Hoseok is single, ignoring whatever it is that he’s been feeling isn’t quite as easy.

Even though he isn’t really even sure what the fuck he’s feeling. But he’s feeling something.

Hoseok has just sent him a string of emojis, a sleepy one and then a tv one and then something else that doesn’t really make sense with the rest of them. Whatever it is, his phone goes dark again before he can decipher his roommate’s emoji code. Regardless, Hoseok probably just wants to know when he’s getting back to their room so they can watch a movie or…or just their usual routine now.

They’ll probably fall asleep in the same bed. And cuddle. They do that a lot.

Chris sighs heavily and rubs his hands over his face. The textbook on the desk in front of him has started to go blurry in his vision and his study partner’s voices sound monotone and about as over it as he feels. The day has been long, he guesses. It started out okay, but then about halfway through, around lunchtime, he started to feel…

Well, he had lunch with Hoseok. Hoseok laughed at some lame ass joke Chris made and Chris knows his immediate thought was that Hoseok’s smile was fucking great. Really fucking great. And then he said some dumb shit like, “You have a great smile, dude.” And then Hoseok’s face got a bit red and he shrugged his shoulders and they went on eating while Hoseok changed the subject, told him about one of the dance routines his class was working on.

Since then, the day has been shit.

“I swear we’re never going to get through this chapter tonight,” one of his classmates says, he thinks her name is Rylee or something like that.

When she speaks, Felix cracks a tired smile and shrugs his shoulders. Chris wonders, briefly in the back of his mind, if seeing Felix smile feels the same way as seeing Hoseok smile does. But he’s quick to answer the question; it doesn’t. Still, that doesn’t help his predicament, if he even has a predicament, because he still doesn’t know what any of it even means. Nor does it help that Felix’s orange hair feels like way too much to look at considering how tired they all are. “I think we’re losing Chris,” Felix says, and Chris blinks several times and shakes his head.

“Sorry man, it’s been a long day.”

“This chapter is pretty easy, I think we could safely call it night,” Rylee (if her name isn’t Rylee, Chris is sure it at least starts with an R) says. “What do you guys think?”

“Yeah, I’m ready to get outta here,” Felix agrees. “Besides, I have to drop my notes off to Woojin, he missed one of the classes we have together today.”

“I heard he misses class a lot. Because of his boyfriend,” Rylee says, but Felix just shrugs and stands, gathers his things. They exchange a few more pleasantries, and then he’s gone and Chris is left alone with Rylee, or whatever her name is. Fuck, he should probably figure it out at some point.

Mostly though, he just wants to get back to his room. He hopes Hoseok is still awake so they can watch a movie. He hopes Hoseok will fall asleep with his head on Chris’s shoulder like he did a few nights before. It was cute.

Yeah.

Yeah, he thought it was really fucking cute.

But he also thinks Hoseok is a huge dork, in a good way of course, and he thinks Hoseok is probably his best friend—is _definitely_ his best friend, and they’re roommates and so he doesn’t understand why things have slowly started to feel different for him. Why when he looks at him, he feels…full? Happy?

Actually, if he’s honest with himself, and he likes to think he’s generally a pretty honest guy, he would admit that he does know why he feels different. He would admit he knows what the feelings are. But perhaps he’s just still trying to tell himself he’s in denial. For Hoseok’s sake. Because he doesn’t think his feelings, wherever they came from, would ever be reciprocated, and he’s dealt with enough rejection to last a lifetime and the last person he wants it from is Hoseok.

“Hey? You okay?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, sorry. Just—”

“Long day?” Rylee smiles, clearly trying to tease him, but he just forces a smile back and nods. Her smile doesn’t make him feel the same as Hoseok’s does either. But, then again, he loves making Hoseok laugh so maybe it’s just really not that deep. He’s allowed to like making Hoseok laugh.

“Yeah, I should get back to my dorm. My roommate is waiting for me,” Chris says, shoving his textbook into his backpack, crumpling some papers inside in the process.

“Your roommate is that dance major, right? He’s cute.”

“He’s gay.”

The words come out before he really has time to stop them, and he doesn’t even know why he says them or why it matters or why—why Rylee is still even trying to talk to him.

“I know. I mean, so I’ve heard. You guys are just friends, though, right?”

He grits his teeth and nods. Sure, just friends who sleep in the same bed all the time and watch movies together and go get dinner together and sometimes Hoseok says things that make Chris think maybe, _maybe_ there could be more. Or maybe Chris is thinking about it too much. Maybe there’s nothing there. On either side.

He doesn’t think he would be Hoseok’s type anyway.

“What’s his type then?”

“What?”

“You said you wouldn’t be his type.”

She’s smiling like she’s amused, meanwhile he’s kicking himself for saying that out loud. He doesn’t even actually think Hoseok has a type. Or does he? Yoongi was Hoseok’s type. _I don’t look anything like_ _Yoongi_ , Chris thinks. Luckily he keeps that just to his thoughts. “I, uh, I dunno. He’s texting me though, so—”

“Actually, I was going to ask if maybe you could walk me to my dorm? Sucks walking back alone, ya know? Plus, I have this essay and I heard you always ace the essays, so would you mind looking at it real quick?” She speaks fast, with confidence, and it feels pretty impossible to say no. Not that he feels too annoyed about saying yes. She’s nice enough and he wouldn’t want her to have to walk back alone if she feels unsafe. It’s getting dark out, after all.

So they walk.

The girl’s dorms aren’t very far from the boy’s, nor from the library, so when they get there it’s early enough still that Chris is allowed up without too much of a problem. He can’t help but think he and Hoseok would never have to worry about being allowed up to each other’s rooms if—

If what?

If they wanted to read over each other’s essays? As if they aren’t roommates, and as if their time spent together isn’t spent doing things more interesting than reading over essays.

But really though.

If _what_.

If they were dating. If Hoseok would ever want that. If they wanted to…to kiss? To do more than kiss? To…have sex? Chris has a fleeting thought that he should go talk to Woojin. Woojin would know what to say about all this. He would probably have advice about things Chris wouldn’t even know to ask about yet. Because truthfully, the closest thing he’s gotten to trying to get his questions answered is gay porn. But then Hoseok came back to their room and he nope’d the fuck out of that real quick.

But anyway.

“My roommate isn’t here, I don’t think. Sorry if the room is a mess at all. I didn’t really plan on having guests,” Rylee says, bringing Chris back to the present. He just shrugs, and when they go in, the room isn’t really a mess at all, at least not to him. She does have posters on the wall though, mostly music stuff, bands and things. He doesn’t recognize most of them. Sometimes he and Hoseok print out memes in the computer lab and stick them on their walls (Hoseok’s favorite thing though, is saying “and they were _roommates_ ”, for obvious reasons, and they always both end up in giggle fits). Most of their printed memes have fallen behind their beds, though.

“So, uh, what’s your essay over?”

“Lemme get it. You can sit.”

He does, on one of the beds. She doesn’t say anything, so he assumes it must be hers. She sets her backpack down on the floor and starts to rummage through it. When she bends over, he’s struck with how deliberate it is. How she glances slightly over her shoulder, her eyes meeting his through her dark hair to see if he’s watching her.

Usually, on a good day, Chris would consider himself to be pretty smooth. He’s had his fair share of hookups, after all. Not that he likes when they’re just hookups. He’d rather…he’d rather date someone. Frankly, he’d rather date Hoseok. At least he thinks so. Maybe. Probably. Still, he knows his way around a hookup, around cues from a girl who wants to hookup with him.

But he feels stupid when he realizes Rylee hasn’t really asked him back to her room to read her essay. Unless that’s some new euphemism for sex.

Rylee is cute, he can see as much. He guesses she’s his type, and she’s cool, confident, and her jeans make her ass look great, so he doesn’t really know why he didn’t catch on earlier, when she was smiling at him across the desks in the library, or touching his arm as they walked to her dorms.

 _Yeah, real smooth dude_ , he thinks to himself.

“Here’s what I’ve got done so far,” Rylee says, handing over a worn out notebook. Chris takes it, because what else is he supposed to do? But he doesn’t open it, doesn’t think she wants him to, either. “But, uh, honestly, we can just do something else, instead.”

“Something else?” He tries to make it sound like an insinuation, and it must work because Rylee smiles and nods. “What’d you have in mind?”

She comes closer, so she’s standing almost between his legs, close enough so that he can smell her perfume, something floral. The notebook gets discarded beside Chris on the bed, but he doesn’t move to touch her yet, he’s still trying to read the situation, figure out what exactly it that’s going to happen.

Luckily, at least, Rylee doesn’t seem interested in playing games or having anymore back and forth or will-they-won’t-they. “I think you’re cute,” she says simply, placing a hand on his shoulder lightly, enough for him to know it would be okay to touch her now, too, if he wanted to. “Excuse me if this is…blunt or too forward. You can for sure tell me to back off and we can pretend this never happened. But, if you want, my roommate probably won’t be back tonight so we could fool around.”

“Fool around?”

“Yeah. Like have sex,” she says, and then she smiles. Even though she ducks her head, he can still see it when she blushes. It’s cute, she’s cute, and this wasn’t exactly on his agenda for the evening, but maybe it’s what he needs. Maybe if he gets his mind off Hoseok, it’ll be good. He’s been so occupied with making sure Hoseok is okay after his breakup, that he hasn’t really let himself think about anyone else, including himself.

“That sounds nice,” he says. “I don’t have a condom on me, though.”

“Don’t worry about that, I have some.”

And then she’s straddling him, her arms draped over his shoulders, and their lips are coming together in a kiss that should be better than it is. Still, Chris kisses back, smooths his hands up her sides and then tangles one in the back of her hair. That’s how they stay for a while, kissing and exploring with their hands, eventually stripping out of their shirts. The noises Rylee makes are hot, it would be a lie if Chris said he wasn’t turned on.

At some point, Rylee gets up and grabs a condom, sets it near her notebook before their positions change so Chris hovers over her, kisses her neck while he maneuvers a hand under her until her arches off the bed enough for him to unhook her bra. Sometimes, he’s able to find a nice sort of banter, or easy kind of dirty talk, with someone, but now they’re both quiet, moving slow enough for it to not be exactly passionate, but fast enough to it to not be awkward, either.

They’re obviously both into it, Chris knows at least that much. She’s touching him, kissing him. Hell, she’s the one who came onto him, after all. But do they know each other? Not really. Not enough. Not like Chris knows Hoseok.

“You cool if I eat you out?”

Rylee blinks at him, her hand carding through his messy curls. “You want to?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, fuck. Sure you can, then.”

Chris smiles, leans down to kiss her again, and he feels her cup him through his jeans, which makes him groan. But he doesn’t give her much time to keep that up, instead kisses down her body, between her breasts and down to her jeans, which she eventually takes off, tossing onto the floor with the rest of their discarded clothes, save for his jeans, which he keeps on.

His phone is still in his back pocket, and he isn’t sure how long he’s between her legs, but it’s long enough that he sufficiently ignores the couple of times he feels his phone buzz. It’s long enough that Rylee has begun to get louder, her back arching up off the bed and her hands moving from gripping the sheets, to Chris’s hair, and playing with her nipples. Chris stops what he’s doing for a moment, just to see her squirm, to her the sounds she makes.

But when she whines, it reminds him a little of the noises Hoseok makes sometimes, when he doesn’t want to get out of bed, or occasionally in his sleep. Fuck, sometimes he does it in the morning when he’s just waking up and if Chris didn’t have morning wood before hearing those noises from Hoseok, he probably did after.

Thinking about that now, though, wasn’t supposed to happen, so he goes back down on Rylee, moving his tongue slower than before, hands gripping her thighs harder.

“Fuck. You’re gonna make me cum like that if—if you don’t stop.”

He pauses again, looks up at her. Her cheeks are flushed red. “Do you not wanna cum or something?”

“No, I do. You’re really good at that. Most guys—”

“I like it. You taste good.”

She laughs, sort of breathless, tosses her head back onto her pillows. “I got that condom out so you’d fuck me, ya know?”

“What? No guy has ever bothered to get you off twice?”

“You wanna try?”

“I’m up for it.”

It wasn’t very difficult, either. He had enough experience to know what to do, to know what would more than likely get her to the edge, and then push her over it. By the time he’s inevitably rolling the condom on, the notebook with Rylee’s essay (allegedly, anyway) was written in, is on the floor with their clothes. He glances down at it, sees his phone peeking out of his jeans and a notification lit up on the screen, the beginning of Hoseok’s name visible.

Chris looks away though, and Rylee pulls him close, her legs encircling his waist as he slides into her, slowly because he wants to see her face, the way her eyes flutter closed and she moans. Even so, it doesn’t do as much for him as it should, as it used to. Not because he doesn’t think it’s hot, or doesn’t think she’s hot. He knows it because he’s got feelings for someone else, and he’s not going to be able to fully put himself into someone else (metaphorically, of course, because he has just put himself into someone in the literal sense) if he doesn’t figure his shit out.

By the time they both finish, they’re both covered in a thin sheen of sweat and the sheets on Rylee’s bed are tangled. He’s already thrown away the condom, and they’ve been lying side by side for several long minutes, catching their breath. Saying something would probably be smart, but Chris doesn’t feel like he has much of anything to say. Besides, Rylee is the first to sit up, the first to pull her shirt back on. Not his shirt, if she put on his shirt, that might mean something, but she put her own shirt back on.

“Do you, uh, do you wanna get coffee some time or something?” He asks because it’s the right thing to do. The sex was good, after all (or well, it was fine). So maybe he could like her. Maybe she could like him. As more than just someone to fuck.

“Oh,” she says, the word drawn out just enough so that what she’s going to say next becomes obvious. Obvious because Chris has done this so many times already. Usually it’s after several encounters like this, but he knows the process well enough to sense when he’s about to be kicked out. “Actually, um, that’s really sweet of you.”

“But?”

She looks over her shoulder at him before she picks his clothes up off the floor and hands them over. “But I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. So it’s probably best if we don’t get coffee or anything. I wouldn’t want to string you along, you seem like a nice guy, Chris.”

“Yeah, no, I get it. That’s cool.”

Putting his clothes on could not go fast enough. He manages though, makes sure he has his phone and checks his reflection in the mirror on the back of the door to ensure he doesn’t look like a total mess, or too much like he’s just had sex. The verdict is that he looks fine, not great. He turns around to say goodbye, even though he doesn’t want to, but he catches a glimpse of one of the many band posters on the wall in his peripheral. When he looks at it directly, it doesn’t take more than a second for him to realize it’s a poster for Liminal Space. The band Hoseok’s ex is in.

Thus, Chris says nothing and slips out of the room, does a very deliberate walk of shame out of the girl’s dorm, eager to just get back to his own room, back to Hoseok, and sleep.

~

Of course, of fucking course, Hoseok is still awake when he gets back to their room.

If he knows, or has any idea, what Chris had been doing though, he doesn’t say. He just smiles and scoots over, pats the bed next to him and adjusts the laptop sitting on his thighs. He’s got a movie playing, but he tells Chris he can start it over so they can watch it together.

“Unless you just wanna go to bed, I know it’s been a long day. I—It’s late,” Hoseok murmurs, his own eyes a little bit hooded, clearly sleepy.

“Nah dude, we can watch the movie.”

And they do, for about thirty minutes, and then Hoseok is out, sound asleep with his head on Chris’s shoulder, as per usual. Chris closes the laptop and sets it down on the floor before carefully maneuvering Hoseok around so he’s lying down. He doesn’t wake up, and so Chris settles next to him and smooths his hand up and down Hoseok’s arm gently. He can’t imagine why anyone would want to break up with Hoseok. Of course, he doesn’t know everything that went on in Hoseok and Yoongi’s relationship, but he thinks if he were Yoongi, he would have…fought harder. Which sounds crappy, he hardly knows the guy, it’s just that Hoseok is worth fighting for.

He isn’t perfect, but Chris has never liked perfect anyway.

~

“Are we going to eat later?”

Hoseok has been rummaging through their little closet for the past fifteen minutes, without a shirt on. It must be that he can’t find whatever shirt it is that he wants to wear, but it’s begun to drive Chris a little bit crazy. Mostly because Hoseok has been practicing his routines, and going extra hard in his dance classes, and it shows. Chris goes to the gym, but Hoseok doesn’t have the kind of body obtained from working out excessively in the gym. He’s long and lean from dancing and sometimes he seems self-conscious about his body, but he shouldn’t be. He looks fucking great. His skin looks soft, too. It is soft, they sleep together and Hoseok likes back rubs. Chris _knows_ his skin is soft.

“Sorry, I didn’t—what did you say?”

“I asked if we were eating later.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah I guess so. If you want,” Chris shrugs and averts his gaze away from Hoseok’s back. “I was gonna go say hey to Woojin, but we can go out tonight.”

“I—I was thinking we could try that sandwhich shop right off campus? I—It looks kinda good?”

“You okay, dude?”

“I just can’t fucking f—find the shirt I’m looking for.”

Hoseok sighs, clearly frustrated, and leans against the back of his bed. Chris stands from his and comes up next to Hoseok, moves some of his clothes aside. Everything is all mixed up now, both of their clothes combined and crammed in the closet. There’s been a few times that Hoseok has worn one of Chris’s shirts, on accident probably, but Chris has never minded. It’s cute, Hoseok has a slighter frame and Chris’s clothes look a little big on him, just enough for it to be endearing.

“Which shirt is it?”

“The one with snoopy on it,” Hoseok explains. “He’s wearing sunglasses?”

“I think you folded that one and put it in the storage bin under your bed.”

Hoseok’s eyes get big and he squeezes Chris’s arm. “I totally forgot! What would I do without you?”

“I dunno man, can you imagine if we hadn’t met on that plane? You could have ended up with anyone as a roommate. Even Byron,” Chris teases, and Hoseok pokes him in the side before he kneels down to look under his bed.

“That sounds like the worst thing ever. I’m glad I got y—you instead. You’re the best.” Hoseok finds the shirt he was looking for and Chris watches him pull it on and straighten it out. “Seriously.”

“I get it, you don’t have to confess your undying love, dude. You’re my best friend, too.”

Hoseok rolls his eyes, but when he stands up, he steps closer and pulls Chris into a tight hug, clearly overdramatic and meant to make him laugh. “I mean, I guess you’re my best friend. Me and Byron are pretty close.”

Chris makes a mock-gagging sound and Hoseok lets him go, pokes his tongue out and flops back on his bed. “In that case, next time I’ll just let you go shirtless.”

“You can go shirtless with me, then.” Hoseok says it sort of absently, as he’s taken his phone out and started looking at something on it. “All the girls would love that.”

“Would they?”

“Mm.”

“Why?”

“Cos you’re hot.”

But Hoseok still hasn’t looked up and Chris is glad, because he’s pretty sure his face is really red, one of the many downsides to being as pale as he is. Although, he isn’t really sure what Hoseok means. Does it mean Hoseok thinks he’s hot? And if he does, is it just in a general sense, like he can recognize the fact, or is he maybe slightly attracted to Chris? Probably just the general sense.

“I, uh, I’m gonna go run by Woojin’s room and see if he’s there,” Chris blurts out. “I’ll be back in a few.”

“Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll be here.”

Hoseok looks up and smiles, but Chris is already halfway out the door. When he gets to Woojin’s room, he knocks, probably a little bit too hard. Woojin probably wouldn’t care if he just walked right in, but Chris never knows what Woojin might be getting up to, so he knocks. There’s music playing faintly in the room, but Woojin opens the door a crack just a moment later. When he sees it’s Chris, he opens the door the rest of the way and raises an eyebrow.

“Bro, your face is like a tomato, what’s up?”

“Hello to you too. Can I come in?”

Woojin opens the door wide and steps to the side so Chris can slip in and close the door again. Everything is neat, and Woojin’s laptop is open on his desk, so he might have been working on homework. Or watching porn. There’s no telling.

“So did something in particular bring you here on this fine day?”

Chris gives Woojin a dirty look, but he knows he’s acting weird. He hasn’t sat down and he’s all red and he just needs to _tell someone_ about Hoseok. “I need to talk to you,” Chris says. “Or…I need advice? I don’t know. I just need to talk to someone and you…you know shit, so I figured I would talk to you.”

“I _know shit_? Fuck does that mean? I have like one brain cell, man. Please sit down, you’re making me nervous.”

Chris sighs and sits on one of the beds, rubs his eyes and hopes his face will calm the hell down and stop being so red. “I just, I have feelings for someone,” he admits carefully, figures he might as well just cut to the chase. “I haven’t told anyone and I feel like I’m gonna explode or something.”

“That’s probably sexual frustration.”

“Christ I’m trying to be serious.”

“I know. So am I? Who is she? Felix told me in passing that some chick in your study group was hardcore flirting with you,” Woojin says. “But that was a couple weeks ago and I literally didn’t care, no offense, so I didn’t ask about it again.”

“It’s not her,” Chris shakes his head. “It’s just like—like I can’t stop thinking about it, ya know?I mean, I’ve had feelings for people before but not like this and I don’t know what to say or do and sometimes it’s just like, fuck he has such a nice smile and other times I’m not sure if it’s even romantic at all? But it’s gotta be, I don’t even know how it happened it just _happened_ and—”

“Did you say ‘he’?”

They’re both quiet. Chris stares at Woojin with wide eyes, but Woojin just stares back at him with this oddly knowing expression on his face, and it’s kind of irritating, but also a little bit comforting. Because even if Chris is wildly confused, at least Woojin is still the same. So. “Yeah,” he admits. “I said ‘he’.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

“Is it Hoseok?”

“…Yeah.”

“Damn.”

“Okay, well, can you say something other than that?”

“Like what? If you like Hoseok, that’s cool man. You should ask him out.”

“And then what? I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never, like, dated a guy before.”

“Bro, you’re practically dating him now,” Woojin says with a chuckle. “Just take him out, ask him if he wants to go on a date.You could take him putt-putt golfing. That’s super lame but you can do the whole move where you stand behind him and help him score a hole in one. If you suck at putt-putt though that move might not be the one. Or like, I dunno, make a move in a respectful way or whatever.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Yes you do, idiot. It’s not that much different than with a chick. I mean, the sex is different, but we’re just talking about the date shit. You know Hoseok, what he likes, right?” Woojin shrugs. “He probably likes you too. Or he could, if you’d tell him how you felt.”

Part of Chris thinks Woojin might be right, but he also thinks everything he saying is wildly unhelpful. If he had the confidence to ask Hoseok out, he might have done it already. There’s just way too big of a chance that Hoseok will reject him. That he’ll tell him they’re better off just staying friends, and that might be true. This whole thing might be incredibly stupid. He’s not worried about what other people will think if he and Hoseok start dating, but he’s worried about what Hoseok will think. About everything.

What if he asks Hoseok out and Hoseok says no. Worse, what if Hoseok doesn’t even realize he means a _date_ date. What if they kiss and it sucks? Wat if they kiss and Chris decides he doesn’t like it? Or what if they kiss and he does like it and Hoseok doesn’t? Or what if they never kiss. What if he just never says anything.

“I don’t think I can do it.”

“Is this like a gay thing? Like you don’t want to be gay or…you’re scared about liking a dude?”

“I—no, dude I have two moms. I don’t care if I’m gay I just…I don’t know what I am?”

“Nothin’ wrong with that, you don’t gotta have a label,” Woojin says and spins around in his rolling chair. “Hoseok is cute. You have good taste, at least.”

“Thanks?”

“Have you jacked off thinking about him?”

 _Here we go_. “Is that, like, relevant?”

“You should try a buzzfeed article. Like, ten ways to tell if you wanna fuck your best bro.”

“Okay, first of all, I already did that so fuck you. Second of all, maybe I have jacked off thinking about him, but I’m never telling him that,” Chris mumbles. “I feel bad about it. Like, what if he knew? He’d probably be freaked out. Besides, I like him more than just because of the fact that he’s cute, ya know? Like, it’s more than sex. I guess in theory, yeah, sex would be cool, but it’s not _just_ that. We have fun together and…he’s sweet and have you seen that dude dance? It’s so cool.”

“Gag. That’s disgusting, bro, come back when you need gay sex advice.”

But Woojin is smiling and Chris knows he’s just trying to joke around to relax him, to make him feel better about opening up. And anyway, Woojin does go on to tell him that sometimes it’s just about waiting for the right time. If he’s nervous now, maybe it’s not the best time to make a move, maybe he should give it some time and see where the feelings go. If they get more intense, or if they fade. After all, he and Hoseok do spend every day together, and anything could happen. The advice is solid, even though Chris is almost certain now that the feelings aren’t going to go anywhere. They’ve been lingering for too long. If he thought they were going away, he wouldn’t be here talking to Woojin about them in the first place.

He remembers when Yoongi visited Hoseok on thanksgiving, how they went to their dorm and fooled around. Chris can remember feeling a tightness in his chest because of it, and at the time he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why he couldn’t stop thinking about that feeling, why it was bothering him so much.

He knew now.

The feeling hasn’t lessened since then.

“I think you two would be good together,” Woojin says suddenly. “I mean, I dunno, I don’t know him super well, but he seems like a good guy. And I know you’re a good guy. I know you want someone who’ll last, and…I mean, he could, right?”

Chris nods. “I would hope so.”

“If anything happens, tell me. I’m kinda invested now. Plus, I can give advice on…other things, if you get there. But, it’s not really rocket science, ya know? If you do kiss him, it’s just like kissing anyone else, I would imagine. Just get a feel for it,” Woojin explains. “You’ll know what to do when the time comes, I think. You’re smart.”

Chris smiles slightly, nods and looks down at his shoes. He’s spent a great deal of time looking at Hoseok’s smile, at how his mouth is kind of shaped like a heart and how it might feel like to kiss him. Kissing isn’t the part that makes him nervous. Not really.

“What, um, what was it like when you first liked a guy?”

“Confusing, at first, I guess,” Woojin admits. “But, I feel like you aren’t really that confused about liking Hoseok. Like, you know how you feel.”

“I guess.”

“Took a while?”

“I’m around him a lot, so…it wasn’t like one day I woke up and was in love with him, ya know? It happened…slower than that. But I think it had to hit me one day.”

Woojin doesn’t say anything about Chris mentioning love, and Chris is glad for that. He’s glad that the rest of their conversation is casual. It feels normal, to be able to talk about things with someone, makes him feel a little bit better about it all.

Even so, that evening when he and Hoseok go eat, he doesn’t dare tell him how he feels. They’re having a nice time, and Hoseok seems happy, so why ruin that? Why mess with something that’s already good? Woojin would probably tell him to grow a pair, or something with more of a sexual innuendo, but they only have a bit more of the semester to get through. If they make it to the summer, maybe Chris will say something. That way, if he’s inevitably rejected like he has been by everyone else he’s even remotely dated, then he and Hoseok can just…get new roommates and move on. No big deal.

No big deal.

~

“This is a big deal, Chris.”

“Okay, well you don’t have to make it into an even bigger deal, Mom.”

“I just feel like you’ve been keeping things from us. Where did this even come from?”

Chris groans and covers his face with his hands. His head hurts and he’s already downed two cups of coffee since getting home. Lucas is sitting at one end of the table playing on his little hand-held Nintendo something or another, but Chris knows he’s sitting there to eavesdrop on the conversation. Just like Hannah is, but at least she’s not trying to hide it.

“I didn’t ‘come from’ anywhere. I just…I don’t understand why this has to be a ‘thing’.”

“You were making out with Hoseok on the couch, that’s the most exciting thing that’s happened around here since Lucas was born,” Hannah exclaims. “I mean, I can’t imagine why Hoseok would want to date you over Yoongi, but whatever.”

“That’s mean,” Lucas chimes in, and Chris would thank him if it would actually make any difference.

“Look,” he says instead. “I like Hoseok, okay? I wanted to kiss him, so I did. Can we just leave it at that? We just kissed.”

His mom sighs, looks at his other mom and then shakes her head. “You need to be careful. For your own sake and for his. It would probably hurt his feelings if you go along with this and then change your mind. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting, but—”

“Mom, I love you, but please stop. I’m not experimenting.”

“So, you like boys?” Hannah leans back in her chair, starts to tilt it backwards. Their moms hate when she does that, but they don’t correct it now, probably because they’re more worried about the fact that Chris has made out with Hoseok on their couch.

“I like Hoseok,” Chris says firmly.

“Hoseok is a boy.”

“Duh,” Lucas says. He hasn’t looked up from his game even once.

“I’m going to my room now. Feel free to let me know when we can talk about literally anything else.”

“Chris—”

He cuts his mom off, waves his hand in the air. “I _know_ it’s a big deal, mom. I know, okay. It’s a huge deal, but you don’t have to keep telling me that. I get it.”

And he does.

He really, really does.

He kissed Hoseok and Hoseok kissed back and then they made out and then they made out some more. And it felt…good. Really good. There were some parts of it all that were definitely different, but he didn’t feel weird about it or awkward, nor did he regret it at all. Hell, he wanted to do it again. Wanted to keep doing it, and hopefully they would. Hoseok seemed into it, he didn’t seem to be weird about it either. They were comfortable with each other. As friends and as more, it seemed.

In his room, he gets comfortable in bed before he takes his phone out and stares at it. Would it be too soon to text Hoseok? Not usually. Usually he would text him right away, whenever he thought about it. Now should be no different.

Although…

Chris unlocks his phone and finds Woojin’s contact before pressing the call button. Nervous excitement fills him as the phone rings and he waits for Woojin to answer. It takes a second, but it stops ringing eventually and he hears some shuffling sounds and then—

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“We kissed,” Chris blurts out before he can even proceed with any pleasantries.

“Damn, we did? When did that happen?”

“Uhg fuck off, I meant me and Hoseok,” Chris clarifies, a little bit breathless and a laugh bubbling up in the back of his throat.

Woojin actually does laugh, though. “You can’t see it, but I’m clapping. I’m happy for you, bro. It’s about time. You sound happy, so I’m assuming it went well?”

“Yeah. Yeah it went really well. He’s such a good kisser. It was awesome, dude. I was really nervous but I think he kinda was too. My moms walked in on us after a few minutes and they’re being super weird, but we went to Hoseok’s house and then it was even better.” He knows he’s babbling but he doesn’t care. He wants to tell Woojin everything, wants to be excited about it instead of worrying about what it means, or thinking about how big of a deal it is.

“Oh, so you like _kissed_ kissed?”

“Yeah we made out in his bed.”

“Damn Christopher.”

Chris snorts and lays down on his back, looks at the ceiling and smiles. “I dunno if I shouldn’t kiss and tell, but I really wanted to tell you.”

“No, definitely tell me. I told you I was invested.”

“Well, we made out and then, like, uh, I could tell he was kinda hard.”

“Daaaamn.”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you feel about that?”

“Nervous, for like a second,” Chris admits. “But then…I don’t know, it was hot. I liked it.”

“Did anything else happen?”

“No, we just made out. It was nice. I didn’t feel like we needed to do more, but, one day maybe, right?”

“One day _definitely_.”

Definitely.

Definitely sounds good.

He doesn’t really know where it’s going to go yet, they didn’t say if they were dating, and he’s okay with that for now. But all of it just felt really right, so he’s pretty sure the next time he and Hoseok see each other, it’ll still be good, it’ll still be right.

For now, he just wants to focus on the fact that he’s pretty fucking happy. He and Woojin talk for a little while more, and eventually they let each other go. Eventually he’ll have to venture back downstairs and deal with the awkwardness with his family and avoid all of Hannah’s endless questions. They’re leaving him alone though, so he stays right where he is.

It’s only been several hours. Maybe a few more than several. Long enough so that the initial nerves have worn off, and a sense of contentment has set in. Kind of like when he and Hoseok first arrived at their dorms after getting off the plane, when they first met. Chris had been nervous out of his mind, although he was good at dealing with it. He could tell Hoseok was even worse off, and talking with him had helped, for both of them, he was sure.

But by the time they’d gotten settled and gotten to talking, he’d started to quickly feel content, happy.

It’s like that now, and he hopes Hoseok feels the same, hopes he’s at home thinking the same thing. And even though Chris isn’t usually one to kiss and tell, despite how quickly he called Woojin to tell him about it, he hopes Hoseok is excited enough about them to have told one of his friends. More than anything, Chris hopes Hoseok is happy.

~

 **Chris** :  
yo

 **Hoseok** :  
hey  
it’s late

 **Chris** :  
yea  
dinner took forever dude  
my sister doesn’t know that 20 questions means 20 and not 100

 **Hoseok** :  
she’s funny  
was she asking about us?

 **Chris** :  
yeah mostly  
but anyway, how’re u?

 **Hoseok** :  
good.  
kinda boring without you around

 **Chris** :  
lol  
I do really bring the party, don’t i?

 **Hoseok** :  
loser

 **Chris** :  
yea but ur the one that made out with a loser

 **Hoseok** :  
if that was one of your lines, you’ve definitely done better

 **Chris** :  
shit, I forgot to add the winky face at the end  
the winky face is a must  
a winky face will make or break a good pickup line

 **Hoseok** :  
really?

 **Chris** :  
yea dude

 **Hoseok** :  
ok I’ll try

 **Chris** :  
go for it

 **Hoseok** :  
I can’t wait to see u again  
so we can make out some more  
loser  
;)

 **Chris** :  
lol

Chris is pretty sure he might be in love.

 


	2. Holidays and Hospitals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello here is another little snippet from the foster au from chris's pov. it takes place during the holidays and during yoongi's stay in the hospital.

It’s not surprising to Chris that Hoseok enjoys Christmas music. They were just friends last holiday, but he spent enough time with Hoseok even then to remember how he hummed holiday tunes every now and then. It’s also not surprising that Hoseok wants to listen to holiday music on Christmas Eve, because that’s definitely a prime time to listen to it. What _is_ surprising is that they’re awake at almost two a.m. (so technically it’s Christmas day, now, right?), and they’re making out while Christmas music plays softly from the speakers on Hoseok’s bedside table.

The music is so faint that it would be impossible for it to wake up Hoseok’s family. Actually, Chris is pretty sure them coming in around midnight was more likely to have caused a disturbance. They’d been at some ice sculpture exhibit downtown, and Hoseok suggested that Chris just stay the night since it was late anyway, and besides, they needed to warm each other up after being around all the cold ice (those were Chris’s words, definitely one of his best lines).

Anyway, Chris knew his family would want him home tomorrow for Christmas ASAP, but he really wanted to spend some of it with Hoseok. Even if Hoseok played Christmas music while they were making out.

“I’m pretty warm now,” Hoseok says suddenly, leaning away from the kiss. The room is dark, the only light coming from the nightlight Hoseok keeps in the corner, but Chris’s eyes have adjusted enough for him to be able to see that Hoseok’s lips are slick and his hair is pushed back. Sometimes Chris wonders how the hell Hoseok is so hot. Like, how did Chris end up with someone so hot? Hoseok tells him he’s hot too but...

“Oh...did you wanna stop?” Chris props himself up a bit more and glances at the clock. Past two a.m. Frosty The Snowman is playing. Fuck Frosty The Snowman, honestly.

“No,” Hoseok draws out the words a bit, although in a whisper. “I meant you could take my clothes off, if you want.”

“Oh...right, duh, gotcha dude,” Chris mutters, a nervous laugh bubbling up in his chest as his hand slides under Hoseok’s shirt. The movements are more confident than his fumbling words.

“Call me dude again, it’s so hot,” Hoseok whispers, clearly sarcastic. “Really turns me on.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Frosty The Snowman changes into something slower and soft, so Chris can’t really hear the lyrics. But it’s really depressing sounding and if he wasn’t already hard, it’d probably be a turn off. But his boyfriend is pretty fucking hot, as previously mentioned, so maybe the Christmas music isn’t a problem at all.

Hoseok wiggles around to get out of his clothes and it makes Chris smile. The blankets get pretty tangled and their limbs knock together when Chris tries to reach for the drawer where Hoseok stashed their lube. Neither of them seem to mind, Hoseok just tickles Chris in the ribs when Chris accidentally elbows him and they muffle their laughter between kisses and roaming hands. Hoseok’s hands are particularly grabby, and Chris knows his own hands are still cold, so that might be why Hoseok shivers every time he moves to touch somewhere else. Either way, it’s satisfying.

But what’s not satisfying? Whoever-The-Hell telling Chris to have a ‘holly jolly Christmas’ while he’s two fingers deep in his boyfriends ass. Christmas music is decidedly Not Sexy. He’s never going to be able to listen to any of these songs again without thinking about what they’re doing right now. Like. Fuck. What if Lucas wants to listen to Christmas music when they open presents and Chris just pops one? That can’t happen. That’s not holly or jolly.

“What’re you—ah—what’re you doing?”

“Huh?”

“You stopped.”

Hoseok tries to look over his shoulder; he’s rolled onto his stomach and Chris still hovers over him, except now he’s distracted, thinking about how much he wants to turn off the music.

“Uh, can we not listen to this music? It’s making my dick real sad.”

“Ew,” Hoseok makes a noise half between a laugh and a groan. “Turn it off if you want. I kinda forgot about it. Then get in me.”

“Uhg good.”

“Don’t get lube on my speakers though,” Hoseok breathes as Chris pulls his fingers out and reaches over with his clean(er) hand. “Also,” Hoseok continues, “I think the music was fitting. You know... _Chris_ tmas music.”

Chris groans this time, smacking the power button on the speakers so the room goes quiet before he presses Hoseok’s hips into the mattress. “Please leave the lines to me from now on.”

“That was good!”

“Six out of ten stars,” Chris counters, shifting around to try and get a better position.

“I incorporated your name, I think that makes it a pretty good line, like at least eight out of ten,” Hoseok insists, wiggling again so Chris will let him get on his hands and knees. It’s not a position they take advantage of often, but they also don’t often argue about the usage of Chris’s name in puns about Christmas music while having sex. 

So. Maybe it’s fitting? Regardless, it’s hot, so who cares.

Okay, except maybe Chris cares when he has to kick away the covers and then knocks the lube onto the floor and then has to get _on_ the floor, naked, while Hoseok waits in doggy style position as Chris finds their lube in the dark. All good though, he finds it (Hoseok’s bed is surprisingly dust-free underneath), and then they’re back in business. A little cold again, but that’s fine too. 

They don’t stay cold for long. The quiet room is soon filled with their breathing and the sound of skin on skin, along with the mattress squeaking ever so slightly. Everything is slightly muffled, quieter than they’re used to, but it’s kind of exciting trying to stay so quiet. Hoseok seems to be having a harder time than Chris is, he’s ended up with his head down in the pillows and one hand bunching up the edge of the comforter that’s still close enough for him to grab.

Chris thrusts into him slow, barely snapping his hips forward at the end of each thrust. Once upon a time, the idea of doing this freaked Chris the hell out, but now it’s easy, comfortable even. He’d been so nervous at first that he’d hurt Hoseok and before that he was nervous at even the idea of anything intimate with Hoseok. Fears about not being good enough, or not liking it as much as he wanted to, caused him to overthink in the beginning. His attraction to Hoseok had been—and is—about more than appearances and sexual attraction. He liked who Hoseok was. He liked who he was himself, around Hoseok.

The physical part of it all came a bit later. And then they kissed…and then Hoseok gave him a blowjob and after that Chris couldn’t deny the _want_ that he felt. Which is basically the more romantic way of saying Hoseok made him horny. But also, like, sometimes he was just horny to hold hands. Shit like that.

Other times…well. Other times, like now, they just couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

“Harder,” Hoseok moans into his pillow. Or at least, that’s what Chris thinks he says. Unfortunately, as much as he wants to, it’s difficult to go much harder when trying to keep quiet. Besides, even though it’s dark and he can’t see as much as he’d like, it’s kinda hot (better adjectives to describe Hoseok and sex with Hoseok are needed, Chris reminds himself to check a thesaurus out for sexy words later) to watch himself sliding in and out, to feel it that way. He doesn’t have a preference for hard or slow, as long as whoever he’s with feels good, but...yeah, this is pretty good. “ _Chris_ ,” Hoseok whines, snapping Chris back from being transfixed with his dick being in Hoseok’s ass, which, definitely not something he would have thought would be happening last Christmas. (At least Last Christmas isn’t playing on the speakers. It had been earlier. They both sang along for like thirty seconds. It was pretty funny.)

“I can’t go any harder,” Chris whispers. “You know you’ll be too loud.”

“No,” Hoseok turns his head to the side and Chris leans over to kiss Hoseok’s shoulder. Only, that means his hips are flush to Hoseok’s ass and Hoseok clearly bites back a moan. “I can be quiet,” he insists, even so.

“Maybe, but there’s still gonna be sex noises, so...”

Hoseok squirms and Chris leans away again, rests his hands on Hoseok’s ass before he spreads him and pulls out to the tip. There’s a moment where Hoseok’s body shudders and Chris smiles to himself, rubs his thumb along Hoseok’s stretched rim. The way Hoseok’s body reacts to being touched always turns Chris on. He likes how sensitive Hoseok is, likes how he starts to rock back, likes how his body moves. Being a dancer probably helps, but Chris can dance and he’s never moved like Hoseok does.

“Are—are you not gonna move?” Hoseok’s voice is distinctly louder now, but his breath catches when Chris trails his hand down Hoseok’s back and then brushes through his hair.

“I dunno. I kinda like this. You look pretty hot working yourself back on my cock.”

“It’s dark in here, can you even see?”

“Oh yeah baby, I can see. I think turning off the Christmas music improved my vision.”

Hoseok laughs, but it’s quickly cut off when Chris snaps his hips forward. It’s still not very hard after that, but it’s enough to get Hoseok off. Chris barely manages to get one of their shirts (okay, it’s Hoseok’s shirt, but in his defense he has to wear his own shirt home and he can’t exactly come home with jizz on his shirt...) under Hoseok before he comes. He’s just trying to be thoughtful, ya know, to not make Hoseok’s sheets all gross. Not that Hoseok notices either way. He’s a bit preoccupied with, well, coming. 

“Are you close?” Hoseok whispers, his voice cracking as his body still shakes with the aftershocks of his orgasm.

“Fuck yeah I’m close. You’re so fuckin’ tight, baby.”

“Want it,” Hoseok says softly, rocking back again even though Chris knows he’s got to be even more sensitive now. Since they’ve been sleeping together though, Chris has figured out without Hoseok needing to say it, that Hoseok probably likes the oversensitivity. He almost always gets off first and he almost always wants— “Cum inside me.” That. He almost always wants that.

Not that it’s a bad thing. It’s actually really fucking hot and Hoseok rolling his hips the way he does and clenching spasmodically and—and just literally everything he does is enough to get Chris off, but it’s late and they won’t be able to clean up very well or very quietly get to the bathroom without risk of waking up either Hoseok’s parents or Hoseok’s grandparents, so as much as Chris wants to get off in Hoseok’s ass (and as close as he is to doing so), he knows it’s probably best to Not do that tonight. 

“I’m gonna pull out, baby, want me to come in your mouth? I know you like that.”

Chris stills Hoseok’s hips and slowly slides out of him, because he really can’t hold off long enough to wait for Hoseok’s response. The sound Hoseok makes goes straight to Chris’s dick, but Hoseok is quick to turn over and wrap his hand around him, his tongue swirling unashamed and a bit desperately around the head. That’s about all it takes before Chris is coming. Never would he have imagined Hoseok would be like this in bed. He’s shy sometimes, but other times, in the thick of it, he’s so turned on and he just  _wants_  and Chris honestly hasn’t been with someone and felt this good before.

“That was fun,” Hoseok says after they’ve cleaned up a bit, put some pants on and gotten back under the covers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Hoseok stretches his limbs out, one leg overlapping Chris’s. “I, uh, liked that position except for that I can’t kiss you.”

“Aw, you’re such a softie, dude,” Chris teases. “Although, you’re also pretty filthy considering it’s Christmas.”

“No, it’s  _Chris_ tmas,” Hoseok corrects. “I was just celebrating.”

“Ah right, of course.”

Chris brings Hoseok in for a brief kiss before he drapes an arm around his waist. Hoseok falls asleep first, murmuring ‘I love you’ as he drifts off. Chris says it back, although he’s not sure if those words are enough to actually express how he feels. The fullness in his chest just seems like so much more, but he’s always felt a lot, sometimes too fast and too much. That’s how he always scares people off, probably, and the last thing he wants to do is scare Hoseok off.

~

“Do you want more marshmallows?”

“Mm. One more.”

“Just one?”

“Just one.”

“What about two?”

Chris smiles and Hoseok pokes him in the side before adding one more marshmallow to Chris’s cup of hot chocolate. “It’s perfect,” Chris declares. And it is, honestly, even though it’s just from a pouch. It’s perfect because it’s Christmas morning and he’s with Hoseok, drinking hot chocolate and snacking on holiday cookies. Sure, it’s super early, and he’s pretty tired, but it doesn’t matter. Especially not when Hoseok has on a ridiculous elf hat that makes his ears poke out in that cute way they do.

“You’re perfect,” Hoseok whispers. His grandparents are sitting at the dining table just a few feet away, so Hoseok quickly leads Chris back into the living room and they plop down on the couch. The grandparents haven’t talked to them much, but Chris knows family can be complicated. He’s pretty sure his dad is supposed to be coming later and he’s not exactly looking forward to it. “I wish you could stay for the rest of the day,” Hoseok adds once they’re sitting down.

“Yeah. Me too. But I can’t keep ditching my family, they’ll chew me out for it.”

“I know.” Hoseok sets just cup down on the coffee table and pokes Chris’s dimple when he smiles. “This has been a nice break, mostly. Spending time with you and stuff.”

“Yeah. For me too.”

For a little while they just sit together, watching a Christmas movie that’s playing on the TV while Chris waits for the inevitable text from one of his moms, telling him to come home. He scrolls through Instagram while sipping his hot chocolate, posts a picture of Hoseok wearing his cute elf hat. At some point, Chris ended up with a relatively decent following, probably spurred on by the videos he’s posted of Hoseok dancing and their couples pictures. He guesses people think they’re cute together.

Suddenly, he gets a notification that someone has commented on one of his pictures, and when he goes to his notification tab, his eyebrows furrow.

“Huh.”

“What?”

“I think Yoongi commented on one of my insta posts,” Chris admits. His face feels warm, even though he’s not sure why he feels nervous or embarrassed about it. It’s not like he’s done anything wrong.

“You think?” Hoseok sounds equally as nervous. The mention of Yoongi always brings out a certain tone in his voice that Chris can’t quite decipher. Or doesn’t want to decipher.

“It won’t show up. Maybe he deleted it?” Chris tries refreshing his feed, but the comment still doesn’t appear under their picture.

They debate it for a few moments, and Hoseok scrolls briefly through Yoongi’s Instagram, but nothing else happens. A moment later Chris finally gets a text from his mom telling him everyone is up. He and Hoseok say their goodbyes, consisting of the promise of seeing each other on New Years and a few ‘I love you’s’.

He arrives back home quickly, glad to see none of the relatives are there yet based on the empty driveway. Of course, when he walks inside, he’s greeted by the sound of Lucas shouting at Hannah and Christmas music blasting from the home speakers in the living room. When he gets to the living room, they get quiet and Hannah clicks her tongue.

“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to join us. Our long lost brother. What’s your name again? Cole? Carter? Something with a C, right?” she says sarcastically.

“What took so long? We had to wait for you for presents!” Lucas whines. “Mommy, can we open them now?”

“Yes, yes, why don’t we let Chris change clothes first?”

His mom looks at him, while his other mom comes in from the kitchen and ruffles his hair. “You need to brush your hair, sweetie, it’s all tangled. And you look so tired, did you get any sleep?” she asks, her fingers attempting to comb through his curls before he ducks away.

“I bet he didn’t get any sleep, if you know what I mean,” Hannah says loudly. 

Chris sighs, it’s easier to say nothing and hurry upstairs to change into something comfy. Everyone else was still in their pjs, but later they’ll all have to put on nicer outfits for the family get-together. And he needs to shower. And probably take something for the inevitable headache he’s going to get. Because he loves his family, he really does, but sometimes they’re just...a lot.

Still, he changes into a Christmas-y shirt and some sweatpants and brushes his hair. There’s a hickey on the side of his neck, but his shirt mostly covers it, he thinks. For a few moments, he stares at himself in his bathroom mirror. He does look tired, and has he gotten too skinny? No, his moms would have said something. Actually, they told him he looks like he’s been spending too much time at the gym when he first got home.

“Okay. Christmas. Christmas is fun, think fun thoughts,” he murmurs to his own reflection before splashing some water on his face and hurrying back downstairs. 

“Sit by me!” Lucas exclaims. He’s shaking a box, but when Chris sits next to him, he gets one of Lucas’s too-tight hugs.

“Lucas missed you,” Hannah explains as she passes out the gifts that are under the tree to the recipients. “I didn’t.”

“Wow, thanks sis,” Chris mutters, but Hannah just sticks her tongue out at him. They’re at the weird age where she doesn’t really want to get along with him, even though he knows she doesn’t actually hate him or anything. Maybe she just misses him, it’s not like they get to see each other a lot anymore, with him being away at school. Maybe she’s mad he’s going to officially be moving there…he never actually planned on that before meeting Hoseok and realizing maybe they could have a future together.

Although the fact that he thinks that, thinks about a future with Hoseok, gives him a headache sometimes. Life is just so uncertain.

At least opening Christmas presents goes rather smoothly, and they get through it without too much bickering. In fact, Chris might even say it’s enjoyable. Lucas is always very animated, and it’s fun to watch him open his presents most of all. Plus, he’s pretty much the sweetest kid ever (usually) so he never complains and he’s always super happy about everything he gets.

Of course, as soon as they’re done opening gifts, that means they’re closer to the rest of the family arriving. Hannah disappears upstairs first to get ready, and Chris helps clean up all the discarded wrapping paper while Lucas drinks his second (third?) cup of hot chocolate.

“Is dad still coming later?” Chris asks, keeping his voicer to a whisper so Lucas won’t overhear.

His mom glances up at him and nods. “As far as I know.”

“Why? It’s weird for everyone, especially Lucas.”

“I know sweetie, but he is your father. And Hannah’s. His parents have always been kind to you two, and since they’re coming I can’t exactly tell your dad he can’t come,” she explains.

“Yeah you could, considering he barely ever talks to us otherwise.”

“Just be nice, okay? He and Hannah have been communicating more lately, I think it’s important for her that he comes tonight.”

Chris blinks. “Hannah what? Since when?”

“I don’t know, a few months, maybe?”

She says it so casually, as if they’re just talking about the weather. How could no one have mentioned this until now? Why…why hasn’t his dad wanted to talk to him? Why just Hannah? It’s not like Chris doesn’t wish they were closer too. But whatever. That’s fine, totally cool.

Except it’s not fine or cool and he’s actually pretty pissed off about it.

When he goes upstairs to shower and put on his party attire, he ends up sitting on the edge of his bed for a little while, debating if he wants to text Hoseok and talk to him about his Daddy Issues, but he decides against it. It’s not something he likes to talk about at all, and he knows Hoseok is dealing with his grandparents and trying to enjoy the holidays. Besides, Hoseok’s family background is a lot more complicated and Chris always feels like shit for feeling the way he does because he really is lucky. His moms are great and they live in a nice house and he goes to a good school and gets to study something he loves so…so what if his dad doesn’t really give a shit?

By the time all the grandparents (three sets of them, just to be clear) arrive, Chris has already eaten three pieces of Cheesecake, and Lucas is running around to show fucking everyone his new toys, so he’s pretty close to crashing from his sugar high. Hannah seems to be in a good mood, but Chris knows she doesn’t like the large family gathering either.

Distant Father Figure arrives late, which is unsurprising, but he does arrive.

“He looks like you,” Lucas comments, reaching over to drag his fingers through the whipped cream on Chris’s cheesecake slice.

“You’ve seen him before, little dude,” Chris points out.

“Yeah but not for a while. You have his nose.”

“I know.”

“Hannah has Mommy’s nose.”

“I know.”

“Do you miss him?”

“I don’t know, Luke. Here, wanna finish this?” Chris pushes the cheesecake across the table to his brother before he stands up and smooths out his pants. His grandparents from his Dad’s side are quick to intercept him and bring him into the living room where his dad is greeting his mom.

It’s awkward.

It’s so fuckin’ awkward.

He knows his parents are on better terms now, but things aren’t ever going to be great by any means. Seeing them together is just very odd. Hearing his dad’s voice is always strange too, for some reason. His accent is thick, reminds Chris of when he was very young. Even though Lucas says he looks like his father, Chris has a hard time actually seeing it. Especially since his dad looks considerably older now, for some reason.

But when he sees Chris and smiles, maybe the resemblance is there a bit. Regardless, Chris smiles back and shuffles forward, accepts the awkward side hug from his dad and then takes a step back for his own personal sanity.

“You’ve gotten taller,” his dad comments.

“Not really.”

“How’ve you been Christopher? Your mom tells me you’re studying music? In California?”

“Um. Yeah, you can just call me Chris, Dad,” he says, his eyes flickering to his mom’s face, but she’s intercepted by one of the other grandparents so it looks like he’s on his own.

“Do you like it, your school?”

“Yeah, yeah I do. It’s cool. I’ve made some good friends there,” he says. “There’s one guy, he’s from Australia too, like you, but I don’t know if I’ll have class with him next semester.”

“Wow,” his dad gets this overly animated look on his face like he’s trying too hard. “And are you seeing any nice girls nowadays?”

“Actually—”

“Chris has a boyfriend!” Hannah chimes in suddenly, sliding up next to their dad and poking Chris in the ribs. “They were roommates and then they fell in _looooove_ ,” she adds.

“Oh,” their dad raises an eyebrow, and Chris can’t help the way his stomach dips. If anyone ever asked though, he would blame it on all the cheesecake he ate. Never trust cheesecake from your grandparents. “Well, as long as you’re happy, Christopher.” And even though that’s about as good of a response as one could hope for, it doesn’t make Chris feel great. It makes him want to escape to his room until his dad leaves.

Which, actually, is what he decides to do as soon as there’s a clear shot to the staircase.

~

**chris** :  
hey man

**woojin** :  
yo wassup

**chris** :  
nothing   
actually I lied im being tortured

**woojin** :  
damn kinky bro  
nd u didn’t invite me?

**chris** :  
my family is making me play trivial pursuit  
like that’s not festive  
that’s not in the holiday spirit

**woojin** :  
LMAO  
happy holidays btw

**chris** :  
shit yeah to u too

**woojin** :  
is it like the WHOLE family  
is there even that much trivia to pursue?

**chris** :  
yes WHOLE ass family my dad is even still here like mate pls no one wants this  
at least lucas is winning, that’s the only thing making this worth it

**woojin** :  
lol  
ur bf there?

**chris** :  
nah  
see him on new years  
howre u and Byron?

**woojin** :  
-sighs dramatically-  
we’re fine  
don’t think I could tolerate living with him forever tho ya know  
doesn’t feel like how u seem when u talk about living with Hoseok  
Byron is fun and all but eh

**chris** :  
whyre u dating him then dude?

**woojin** :  
why not?

**chris** :  
lol

**woojin** :  
seriously tho I like him  
hes not like how u think he is all the time

**chris** :  
I believe u man

Woojin doesn’t respond for a few long minutes. Lucas is talking loudly about an answer to one of the questions in the game, waving a card around wildly as he speaks. That seems to be a good enough time as any to subtly excuse himself, so Chris murmurs something about needing some water and wanders off into the kitchen.

He doesn’t have to wait that much longer before he and Hoseok get to go spend New Year’s together, but he feels like it’s going to be an eternity. His dad mentioned he might be staying in town for a few days, so Chris worries he’ll have to go spend quality time with him or something. At least, he certainly doesn’t want Hannah to go by herself.

In the moment at least, he tries not to think about it too much. Instead, he leans against the kitchen counter and scrolls through his Instagram feed. It’s a lot of holiday stuff. Nothing from anyone from Yoongi’s band, or from Yoongi himself, but Chris doesn’t really check in on their stuff much anymore. Feels too weird.

Woojin has posted a picture of what looks like he and Byron’s Christmas dinner, and a little further down, Felix has posted something with his family. Some other people in his program have posted too, some of them have even commented on Chris’s latest post—the one of Hoseok in the cute elf hat. He replies to a few comments before his phone rings suddenly, Woojin’s name flashing on the screen.

“Hey,” Chris answers. He sounds like all the life has been sucked out of him.

“Bro, who hurt you?”

“I dunno. I’m hiding in the kitchen. I guess I’m just tired,” he mutters, pacing from one end of the kitchen to the other. “Didn’t really sleep much last night?”

“With the boyfriend?”

“Mhm.”

“Nice, nice,” Woojin sighs and Chris mimics the sound. “Aren’t we just tons of fun this Christmas?” Woojin jokes, to which Chris chuckles dryly.

“It’s just having all my family here that’s so exhausting. I love ’em, but I think we can all really only handle so much,” he explains. But truthfully, it’s his dad that’s affecting him more than anyone else. For a moment, he almost admits as much, but the words get stuck in his throat. “Me and Hoseok are supposed to go with his friends to some cabin for New Year’s, so I’m excited about that I guess.”

“Gonna propose?” Woojin teases.

“Nah, I’ve heard you shouldn’t propose on major holidays. Ya know, besides the fact that it’s way too soon for any of that.”

“You’ve thought about it though, man, I know your romantic ass has,” Woojin continues. “You don’t have bangin’ sex with someone and also look at someone the way you idiots look at each other and _not_ think about that shit.”

Chris feels his ears get hot even though Woojin isn’t even here in person with him. “I’m only twenty, you don’t know what I’m thinking about.”

“Sure man, whatever you say,” Woojin says, still in that annoying teasing tone. “Have you done any butt stuff yet?”

“Uh, yeah?” Chris glances around the corner back into the living room. Hannah catches his eye and raises her eyebrow, but she doesn’t get up or say anything.

“I meant involving your butt,” Woojin clarifies.

“Oh. Then no,” Chris amends, walking back over to the fridge. He opens it. Closes it again. Paces back and forth some more.

“Lame. Hey, unrelated, but what score did you get on your showcase?”

“Dude, you just go from asking me about butt stuff to my showcase score?”

“Yeah, I like to keep it interesting, gotta keep you on your toes.”

Chris scoffs, but before he can respond at all, there’s a hand on his shoulder, to which he jumps and turns around. He half expects it to be his dad, but luckily it’s just Hannah. Chris quickly mutters that he has to go, that he’ll call Woojin back later.

“Can you please come back and play with us?” Hannah says, which isn’t what Chris expects at all. “I miss you, idiot, I want to, ya know, do dumb holiday crap with you, okay? So can you stop hiding in here?”

And even though she calls him an idiot, it does make him feel a little bit better. Their family is a lot complicated, but he knows he and his siblings will always have each other’s backs, Daddy Issues or not.

The rest of the evening feels a lot lighter, like a weight has been lifted, even though three sets of grandparents are overwhelming as hell and an estranged father is awkward as hell. They manage to get through their board games though, Lucas is pretty consistently the winner of everything somehow. He announces that, as the winner, they should all have a second round of desserts.

However, since Chris has already consumed more cheesecake than any sane person should in one day, he tells Lucas to have an extra piece for him (they can suffer together) and stays behind in the living room for a few minutes to pick up the game pieces.

They last played Clue, one of Lucas’s favorites, and he’s gotten down on the floor looking for Miss Scarlet’s game piece when someone taps his shoulder. “Hannah, I swear if you’re hiding Miss Scarlet while I’m on the floor searching for it, I’m gonna—”

“Not Hannah.”

Chris jerks, his head hitting the underside of the coffee table. He groans before sitting up and looking at his dad. He’s got Miss Scarlet in one hand, holding it out to Chris, and a slice of cheesecake on a plate in the other. There’s chatter from the dining room, and Chris suspects someone sent his dad out here to him on purpose. They’re probably all sitting down and having a grand ole time while he’s meant to have a father-son bonding moment.

Peachy.

“We should probably go in there,” Chris says, putting Miss Scarlet safely into the game box and closing it. He used to think Miss Scarlet was hot when he was younger. Which, she is. Definitely the hottest clue character. Although, objectively, if he had to pick, he’d say Professor Plum could probably get it too.

“Actually, I was thinking maybe we could talk for a minute?” His dad sits down on the couch and pats the cushion next to him. “I feel like we haven’t had time to talk all evening.”

“It’s been kinda crazy,” Chris mutters, but he does sit. “Besides, I guess you probably rather talk to Hannah anyway.”

“I have been talking to her more, yes,” his dad admits. “But I’d also like to talk to you, you’re my son.”

“That I am.”

“Christopher…” He takes on that annoying kind of serious parent voice that Chris hates. He also hates when his dad calls him ‘Christopher’. Just for the record.

“Dad…” he mimics, because he can. Because it’s not like his dad can ground him or some shit.

“You’re accent is fading,” he says, which, what a fucking dumb thing to say. Who even cares? Also, his accent is just fine, thanks very much. “Do you still speak much Korean?”

“Not really. I can read it and Mom can still speak it but not Lucas much so…” he trails off and shrugs. “Is that really what you want to talk about?”

“We can talk about anything.” That’s definitely not true. They can’t talk about anything, because he never calls or texts or acts like he wants to have anything to do with them, so why should they talk now, of all times? Why did he even have to come this Christmas? It’s stupid. It’s unnecessary. “Tell me about your boyfriend? Do you have a picture of him?”

“Yeah.” Chris unlocks his phone, tilts the screen towards his dad to show him the background, a picture of Hoseok sitting in their dorm room, smiling and holding up peace signs. “That’s him. Hoseok.”

“He looks…” his dad trails off, like he’s not sure what to say, or what would be the right thing to say. “Maybe I could meet him sometime?”

“Oh,” Chris shrugs, locks his phone again and shoves it into his pocket. “Maybe, I dunno.”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Christopher. I don’t want to push. I just want to know more about your life, what’s going on with you. You know, I offered this to Hannah, but if you ever want to visit me anytime—”

“That’s a lot to ask,” Chris interrupts, because it is. He hasn’t been back home (Was it home? He isn’t sure.) in a long, long time. Plus, how would his moms feel about something like that? All of it just feels like too much.

“I understand.”

“Dad, I just…You didn’t want anything to do with me and…and now you do, but what if I don’t want…” he trails off, can’t actually finish the sentence. Although, he’s said enough, because he knows his dad caught his drift. It’s not really the same, but Chris can’t help but think of Hoseok’s situation with his biological mother. What she did was a lot worse, but Hoseok still went to see her. He did it for his little brother, so really, Chris should put in more effort for his little sister.

Keyword: should.

“Okay,” his father says. “We don’t have to talk about you visiting right now. Nothing like that. Just, maybe I text and say hello every now and then? Then maybe a phone call saying hello? Stuff like that, yeah?”

“If you actually do it,” Chris says bluntly. “But I have two parents already, dad. You know that, right?”

“I do.”

“I don’t know yet if there’s room for another one.”

His father pats him on the shoulder and Chris breathes out through his nose. At least he isn’t getting angry, he remembers his father getting angry sometimes, but things are different now of course. The dynamic is different, their family is different.

“You have so many people who love you, Christopher. If you don’t feel you have room for me, I understand. But I have room for you.”

_Yeah, okay dude, we’ll see about that._

~

**hoseok** :  
[image attached]  
this reminded me of you

**chris** :  
what is that?

**hoseok** :  
idk a baby toy I think

**chris** :  
lol dude why does a baby toy remind u of me  
is there something ur trying to tell me?  
omg, am I pregnant?

**hoseok** :  
shut up lol  
it was just cute, it’s a koala bear  
I guess it needs abs then it would be your twin!

**chris** :  
haha  
glad ur thinking of me ;)

**hoseok** :  
me and my mom are shopping, she likes post-holiday sales  
just a couple days then new years  
should we get some confetti poppers?

**chris** :  
sounds good!

**hoseok** :  
howre things with you?  
weird not seeing you everyday

**chris** :  
im good  
chillin  
you know how I roll  
just been hanging with my siblings mostly  
went to the gym this morning

**hoseok** :  
you didn’t send me a gym selfie :(

**chris** :  
[image attached]

**hoseok** :  
I cant believe I sent u that koala just for you to draw abs on it

~

So. New Year’s doesn’t exactly go as expected.

That’s putting it lightly.

The past few hours—more than a few?—have gone by in a blur. Usually, flying is no big deal for Chris, but this time he feels like his stomach is in knots, like he might puke any second, but he pushes the feeling down because he knows Hoseok is feeling worse. And he knows Hoseok would be there for him in a situation like this (he knows it realistically, but there’s a nasty voice in his head, the insecure voice, that’s telling him he isn’t worth that at all) so he’s trying to be strong. He’s supposed to be strong. That’s what people like about him. People like that he’s strong and funny and generally levelheaded so he can’t just fucking puke on the damn airplane because maybe Hoseok needs to puke and they can’t both be puking.

And turns out, Hoseok does puke near the end of the flight.

He seems very on edge after that, and Chris really does get it. His best friend is in the hospital after overdosing and Hoseok had no idea he was as bad off as he is. It’s a complicated situation, one that Chris doesn’t think he could ever fully relate to, but he wants to be here for Hoseok. He wants to help however he can.

But once they’re at the hospital, he does feel very tired, knows Hoseok does too. Inside, he feels like the odd one out, the only one out of everyone who doesn’t have a direct connection to Yoongi. He feels like the one that stole Yoongi’s boyfriend, even though that isn’t how it went at all, and he doesn’t like the way Yoongi’s bandmates look at him, which sucks because Chris actually liked their band once upon a time, actually liked Jungkook and Namjoon and Yoongi (yes, even Yoongi) once upon a time. And it’s not that he doesn’t like them now, it just feels strange. He’s here for Hoseok, not for Yoongi, and he knows they all know that.

He’s half tuned out the argument that Hoseok and Jungkook are having, until Jungkook looks pointedly at him and says, “He’s not gonna want to see you.”

“Yeah,” Chris says, a bit drawn out, not the nicest tone, probably. “I was just gonna stay here.”

“You shouldn’t have even come at all. Neither of you should have,” Jungkook says firmly.

Which _, okay dude, fair fucking enough, but we’re here_ , is what Chris thinks, but doesn’t say aloud. Instead, after some more brief and uncomfortable conversation, he sits down while Hoseok goes to get his visitors pass. Chris picks a seat in the corner, near the window, and tries to relax somehow.

Not that that lasts long. It feels like Hoseok is visiting with Yoongi for a long time. It doesn’t bother Chris at all, truthfully, he just feels antsy, that’s all. Like he wants to do something to help, even though there’s nothing he can do.

“You and Hoseok are good?”

Chris glances up at Namjoon, and shrugs one shoulder. “Yeah man, we’re good.”

“I can’t imagine you wanted to come here so last minute,” Namjoon comments, although it doesn’t sound passive aggressive like Jungkook did.

“I can’t imagine you guys wanna be here either under these circumstances. It sucks, man. I wish it wasn’t like this, but…I don’t mind being here for Hoseok. He’s my boyfriend, I wanna support him,” Chris explains, eyes darting around at the other people waiting in the lobby with them. Are they all here for Yoongi? Are some of them band crew? Managers?

“Well, yeah. Yoongi has been having a rough time lately. He looks through your shit on social media a lot. I think it gets to him.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“I know. None of it is. It’s not your fault he can’t get his shit together.”

Chris glances down at his hands. Part of him wishes he and Yoongi could be on good terms. Maybe in some alternate reality they could actually be friends, or maybe sometime in the very distant future, but he knows things are too weird now. They could possibly get along…but it would be awkward. There’s too many feelings involved on all sides and in all kinds of weird ways.

“I don’t want you to think I’m…making things more complicated. I want Hoseok and Yoongi to work things out, ya know? I know Yoongi is important to Hoseok,” Chris adds, words spilling out of his mouth before he can really think about them. “But I also want…I want to be with Hoseok, too. We’ve been talking about getting a place together and I see a future with him so…”

“So you don’t want Yoongi to steal him back?”

“I didn’t say that. And there’s no stealing. Hoseok can make his own choices. If he chose Yoongi then I can’t exactly do anything about that, can I?”

“Except he didn’t choose Yoongi, he chose you,” Namjoon points out, and Chris sighs, rolls his eyes and leans back in the uncomfortable hospital lobby chair.

“You’re twisting my words. I just want everyone to be happy, okay? I never meant to hurt anyone.”

Namjoon nods, and he doesn’t look angry at all, but Chris can’t read his expression at all. For a long time, they’re quiet. Chris texts Woojin, who offers to let them stay at the place he and Byron have for the holidays. It sounds a lot better than staying at the dorms, so he accepts, despite the fact that Byron is annoying as hell.

He also texts his moms and lets them know he’s okay, that he and Hoseok arrived safely and are at the hospital now. They hadn’t been thrilled with him leaving, but he’ll figure out some way to make it up to them eventually.

“I’m gonna check on them,” Namjoon announces to no one in particular. Chris isn’t sure how long it’s been, but he doesn’t try and stop Namjoon from disappearing down the hallway.

**Mothership** **One** :  
Are you sure everything is ok sweetie?

**Chris** :  
yeah mom I promise  
everyone here hates me lol but it is what it is

**Mothership** **Two** :  
They hate you??

**Chris** :  
im just joking mom

**Mothership One** :  
How is Hoseok doing? Is he with you?

**Chris** :  
everything is fine guys I’ll text you later  
love you

Chris taps his foot anxiously against the floor just as Hoseok comes back into the lobby, his face pinched and his arms crossed. Of course, Chris stands as soon as he sees him and follows him down another hallway with arrows that point the way to the food court.

“You okay?”

“I don’t know,” Hoseok admits, his shoulders relaxing slightly when Chris puts an arm around him. “I don’t feel like I’m ever okay. But Yoongi is worse, so…”

“You don’t have to feel okay,” Chris assures him, squeezing his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok murmurs, his voice almost lost as they approach the busy food court. “I’m sorry I made you come back early and fucked up our New Years and freaked out so much. You’re such a good boyfriend and—”

“Hey. I wanted to come, don’t apologize,” Chris says. “I’m here for you, remember?”

“I know. I know you are,” Hoseok says, taking a sharp breath in before he grips Chris’s hand that isn’t on his shoulder. There’s something comforting about the way Hoseok holds hands. He sometimes grips hard first, but it always ends softer, more relaxed and comforting. And his hands are soft, fingers long and palms warm in a nice sort of way. Never has Chris thought so much about how it feels to hold someone’s hand, but he hopes Hoseok feels the same way about him, to some extent.

“Let’s get some coffee or something,” Chris suggests, because if he started talking about Hoseok’s hands right now that’d be kinda weird and not super great as far as timing goes.

“Coffee sounds good.”

Luckily the line at Starbucks isn’t too bad and they manage to move through it with relative ease before finding a corner booth to sit at, shoulder to shoulder. Hoseok sips his drink quietly for a few moments and Chris places a hand on Hoseok’s thigh, moves his thumb back and forth in a way he hopes is soothing.

Admittedly, Chris isn’t a huge fan of hospitals, even though he doesn’t have a dramatically tragic backstory associated with one. They just always feel heavy, and when he looks around at all the people in the food court, they all look sad and worn out and they all seem to be picking at their food.

“Was he happy to see you?” Chris asks, after half of Hoseok’s drink is already gone.

“Mm. Yeah. I guess…we tried to talk about…normal stuff. He’s still kinda distant,” Hoseok admits with a shrug. “It’s always nice when I see him but I’m always scared we’ll fight or I keep thinking about fights we have had and it kinda sucks. I miss when it wasn’t like that.”

“That makes sense.”

“Do you ever feel like you wish you hadn’t grown up?”

“Sometimes, yeah. Shit was easier. I mean…I know not—we had different childhoods but—uhg, I don’t know what I’m saying and—”

“I understand,” Hoseok places his hand over Chris’s.

“I guess you just get me, dude,” Chris says, but he doesn’t have the energy to make it sound as playful as he wants it to. Still, Hoseok smiles, and that’s really all Chris can ask for right now.

Except, when he glances away, his eyes meet Yoongi’s. His face is very blank, but Yoongi has inquisitive eyes and Chris can tell even from a ways away that a million things are running through Yoongi’s mind. And whatever (probably dumbass) look Chris must have on his own face makes Hoseok turn to look. He’s quick to wave Yoongi over, but Yoongi seems more hesitant when he shuffles towards their table. He’s dressed in simple clothes, but at least it’s not a hospital gown.

“They let you out of bed?” Hoseok asks. Yoongi just shrugs and glances behind him. It looks like Jungkook is in the Starbucks line. “Wanna sit?”

“I’m only allowed to be out for fifteen minutes,” Yoongi replies. His voice sounds raspy. Raspier than it did the last time they met. Chris can’t help but notice how thin he looks too, how dark the circles around his eyes are. Honestly, it makes Chris’s chest ache. Yoongi is clearly going through a lot, and Chris feels for him.

Damn emotions.

So pesky.

But not really. Chris doesn’t want to feel jealousy or insecurities. He would rather feel empathy and hope for the best for Yoongi.

Even if he still has feelings for Hoseok.

“Oh, we can take our coffees up with you,” Hoseok offers, jerking Chris back out of his thoughts.

“Nah,” Yoongi shakes his head. He’s picking at his cuticles. “You can stay down here. Enjoy each other’s company and shit.”

There’s a palpable shift in Hoseok’s demeanor at that. Yoongi gives Chris a weird look, and Chris attempts to keep his own expression neutral, but he feels like they’re all doing a really terrible job at acting. If their lives were a movie, they would be winning exactly zero Oscar’s. They’d be in some low budget movie where the acting sucks and people only watch to cringe and make fun of them.

”I don’t see why you can’t sit for a minute,” Chris offers, using his Friendliest Voice.

“I’m waiting for Kook.”

“Yoon, you look kinda pale, sit with us. It’s okay,” Hoseok says hopefully, holding out a hand. It does seem kind of dumb, what they’re doing. Why would Yoongi want to sit with them? They’re trying to be nice, but Chris feels like he’s forcing himself to be friendly to someone who hates his guts, and honestly, he’s done it before, so he knows how it feels.

Still, Yoongi takes Hoseok’s hand and sighs. “I’ll sit,” he says bluntly. “For a minute.” When he plops into the chair across from them, he doesn’t let go of Hoseok’s hand.

Usually, Chris is great at conversation. He doesn’t consider himself a shy person, he’s pretty extroverted, but what the hell is he supposed to say to his boyfriend’s ex, who’s holding his boyfriend’s hand and won’t really look at either of them in the eye. There’s nothing he can say. Nothing he really wants to say, either.

“I got you blueberry tea.” Jungkook approaches the table only a moment later. Awkwardness increases. Is it appropriate to just let out a loud sound of distress in a hospital food court? Probably not.

“Doesn’t that still have caffeine?” Yoongi asks.

“She said no coffee.”

“Oh. Yeah I guess.”

Jungkook sits down next to Yoongi. Because, why the fuck not. Chris is tapping his leg under the table and he hopes that no one else can tell. He hates this, hates not being able to crack a joke and relax the mood, hates that he’s so out of his element, hates that he has no control at all over his fucking leg. But at least Yoongi lets go of Hoseok’s hand and holds his cup instead. Is he shivering? Looks like he is.

“You fell asleep pretty fast up there,” Hoseok comments.

_Okay, say something_. Chris says nothing. _Insert statement: here, dude_. Still nothing.

“Yeah…I guess I’m tired,” Yoongi murmurs, his eyes darting from Hoseok to Chris and then back at his cup that he hasn’t drank from yet.

“You’re supposed to rest, that’s the point,” Jungkook says. Yoongi looks back at Chris again. Maybe he smiles, but if he does it feels more like a grimace and he still doesn’t say a word. “We should probably head back up.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

Except Yoongi doesn’t move and he meets Chris’s gaze again. There was a time, back when Yoongi was visiting Hoseok for Thanksgiving, that things weren’t like this. Back then, they were able to talk and Chris didn’t feel like he’d never had a normal conversation in his life. He always made friends easily, so he thought back then that he and Yoongi could have been friends. Well, except for the fact that he had feelings for Hoseok. Weird, complicated feelings that he didn’t understand at the time. But they’d been there.

Did Yoongi know?

Did Yoongi hate him then?

“Yoongi?” Jungkook sounds a bit pleading.

“I’m glad…I’m glad you’re happy, Hoseok,” Yoongi croaks suddenly.

“Yoongi—”

Chris clears his throat. “It’s okay, man,” he says. But, it’s okay?? What’s okay?? Nothing about this is okay. _Smooth, Chris. Really smooth_.

“I’m sorry, I’m really tired. I wanna go lay down,” Yoongi says, and Jungkook and Hoseok both stand up at the same time that Yoongi attempts to get on his feet too.

“Want me to walk you back?” Hoseok offers, one hand on Yoongi’s arm, a light touch. Chris just sits there, watching, feeling like he’s suddenly not in this horribly written movie, but watching instead, and cringing with the rest of the audience. It’s not a more pleasant position to be in.

Especially not when Yoongi looks right at Hoseok and says, “No.”

“I got it Hoseok,” Jungkook snaps, and Chris hates the look of hurt that passes over Hoseok’s face.

The hospital visit doesn’t improve from there, of course. Never in his life has Chris lived through a day this long, this tiring. When Hoseok goes to visit with Yoongi one more time, Chris catches his reflection in the lobby window. Everyone else has to see what he sees, how dark the circles are under his eyes and how puffy he is and how he definitely hasn’t brushed his hair in at least twelve hours.

At least he doesn’t sit and wallow (he doesn’t even deserve to be wallowing) for much longer, because soon enough Hoseok is coming back down the hallway, except he’s crying and now they’re at the climax of the cringe-worthy movie, only now it’s just a sad movie where everyone in the audience is extremely uncomfortable and wants to go home, but they’re staying because they paid to see this shit and they’re going to get their money’s worth.

“It’s okay,” Chris whispers into Hoseok’s hair. “I got you, okay?”

Hoseok’s hands grip Chris’s shirt so hard it seems like he won’t ever let go.

Only, eventually he does. Eventually, after sitting for maybe an hour more, they decide to call it a day.

In a perfect world, there wouldn’t be any sequel to the day and they’d just be able to sleep everything off, but Chris has a feeling that might not be the case during their quiet drive to Woojin and Byron’s place. The thing is though, as hard as the day has been…Chris doesn’t feel regret to anger towards Hoseok. He’s tired, sure. Exhausted, actually, but realistically he knows he would do it again should Hoseok need him to.

~

_There’s no way Hoseok isn’t tired. Every time he pauses for even just a moment, his chest is heaving and sweat drips from his skin. His limbs must ache by now. Even so, he doesn’t stop. He keeps moving to the beat of the music playing loud over the speakers in the studio until finally,_ finally _the song ends and he follows through with one last move._

_“It’s not right,” he says once he’s somewhat caught his breath. His eyes meet Chris’s through the mirror and Chris snaps himself out of the trance Hoseok has put him in._

_“Dude, no way, it was perfect,” Chris insists, and he should know, he’s been sitting on the floor watching the whole thing._

_He likes dancing, but nowhere near as much as Hoseok does. When they first got to the studio, Chris danced too, but he gave up after a short time and instead opted to watch. Besides, he was able to help Hoseok out more that way, tell him which moves were better with the songs._

_“No, it just doesn’t feel right, at the end. I don’t know. I need to change something,” he says, swiping his hand over his forehead._

_“Come sit, have some water. You’ll pass out,” Chris says, holding out the water bottle as Hoseok walks over and plops down on the floor next to Chris._

_“Thanks for coming today. I like practicing by myself but...it’s nice to have you here,” Hoseok says with a small smile._

_“Yeah, of course,” Chris smiles back. It’s still strange, knowing Hoseok is single now, knowing they only have a short time before summer is here and they’ll be going home. It’s even stranger because Chris knows he shouldn’t be looking at his friend’s lips the way he is, but he can’t help it. He wants to kiss Hoseok, wants to lean in right now and do it, but he doesn’t. Can’t. Shouldn’t._

_“Wouldn’t it have been weird, if we had different seats on that plane?”_

_“Maybe it was fate,” Chris says and Hoseok giggles, his head tilting down onto Chris’s shoulder. It doesn’t even matter that his hair is damp with sweat. Being close like this is nice. It’s enough._

_“Maybe, I mean, what would I do without you calling me dude and watching movies with me every night?”_

_“Oh, you mean cuddling with you?”_

_“Shut up,” Hoseok sits up straight and shoves Chris’s shoulder lightly. “It’s either me or your pillow anyway, I’ve seen you hugging it in your sleep!”_

_“Been watching me sleep, dude?” Chris retorts quickly, the banter between them easy, fun. “You’re the one who takes up the whole bed.”_

_Except, it’s probably not normal to have banter with your bro about when you sleep in the same bed with him. Which is something they do often. Likely too often. It’s just, Hoseok is warm and he always falls asleep while they’re watching movies and then Chris falls asleep too and so what if they sleep in the same bed? It’s chill. Totally chill._

_“What’re you thinking?”_

_Chris blinks. Did he just zone out thinking about being in bed with Hoseok? Yes. If someone asked? No._

_“Sorry, nothing.”_

_“You were staring at me.”_

_“You’re just so hot, dude, I can’t help it.”_

_He’s teasing, and Hoseok laughs, which means he hopefully doesn’t notice the way Chris’s ears and cheeks have colored red._

~

As soon as they got into the bedroom, Hoseok sat down on the edge of the small bed and folded his hands into his lap. Chris changes into something comfortable and tries not to feel too worried about the look on Hoseok’s face. But it’s definitely not a good look. It looks like Hoseok is feeling sick, but not physically. It looks like he’s about to deliver bad news, actually, and it’s making Chris feel actually sick.

“Chris?” Hoseok asks, his voice cracking slightly, but he doesn’t stutter. At least he doesn’t stutter.

“Hm?”

Just be chill. It’s probably nothing. No biggie. Think chill thoughts.

“I…um…” Hoseok picks at a thread on the pants he’s wearing when Chris finally sits down next to him, their shoulder’s touching. “We kissed,” Hoseok finally blurts out, and Chris feels like he needs to respond just as quick.

Which is probably why his brain short circuits and he says, “Uh, Yeah. We kiss loads of times.” Fuckin’ dumb.

“N—No,” Hoseok murmurs, and there’s the stutter, the one that Chris barely noticed when they first met, like it was just a part of Hoseok, and he liked Hoseok so it didn’t matter, and it shouldn’t have ever matter no matter what. Except he knows now that the stutter has improved that it just comes out when Hoseok is nervous or agitated. “I don’t mean us,” Hoseok continues. “I mean…” He trails off, like he’s waiting for Chris to just say it. But he’s not going to, even though he does know what Hoseok means. He knows and he feels like his heart has stopped beating. “I mean…I mean Yoongi he—he kissed me. Earlier.”

There it is.

“At…the hospital? Is that why you got upset?” Chris asks, because he knew it had to be something big. Yoongi had to have said or done something or they had to have argued or…or, well, kissed. And, as confirmation, Hoseok nods. “That’s okay. I mean. it’s kinda fucked up that he’s do that, but he’s—”

“I liked it,” Hoseok interrupts quickly, and this time Chris’s heart has definitely skipped a beat or two. Because he really would have understood. He always wants to see the best in people, give people the benefit of the doubt, but…but what does it mean if Hoseok liked the kiss? Does he not like when _they_ kiss anymore?

The last thing Chris wants is to feel anger, and he rarely actually feels that. He doesn’t feel it now. What he’s feeling is hurt, what he’s feeling is the countless other times he’s been rejected and he just wants it to stop, wants to figure this out, wants to work this out. They have to work this out. This can’t end like every other relationship has for him. This is too real, he loves Hoseok too much.

When he speaks next, though, it comes out confused, like time has suspended and he hasn’t just had a million thoughts run through his head at once. “Wait, what?” Hoseok folds forward right away, covering his face with his hands and groaning loudly. Chris places a hand on his back lightly. “Hoseok.”

“I don’t—I don’t know. I—It was barely even a second and I thought about you right away and I stopped it but—”

“Hoseok please sit up. You can look at me.”

_I need you to look at me._

_I need you to know I’m here._

“I feel like shit,” Hoseok says.

“Look at me anyway.”

Hoseok shakes his head and Chris moves his hand up and down Hoseok’s back. It feels like he’s moving on autopilot. He feels a bit numb.

“But I thought about it and I thought about how much I miss it and…” He trails off and Chris stops moving his hand. His heart is beating so fast he can hear it in his ears, but he doesn’t know what to do. He feels both frozen and like he wants to run a mile.

“You miss it?” Hoseok shrugs. “Like…do you want to get back with him?”

The possibility is one that has crossed through Chris’s mind many times. He knew it was a factor that he’s have to deal with, an insecurity that would be there if he decided to pursue a relationship with Hoseok. Because how could he compete with Hoseok’s childhood best friend who’s been there for him during very hard times? How could he compete with Hoseok’s first love? How could he compete with someone famous and cooler than him and—

No. It’s not that Chris isn’t confident. It’s not that he doesn’t think he has a lot to offer, because he knows he does. But none of that matters if the person he loves doesn’t love him back.

“I wasn’t happy. Not at the end. I d—don’t think I want to get back together with him. I miss being happy with him,” Hoseok says. He’s finally looked up, he’s finally trying to make eye contact, but his eyes keep darting away and coming back.

“Are you happy with me?”

“Yeah of course,” Hoseok says, but the words sound too cheery and Chris feels himself make a face. “I am.”

“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve heard that before.”

Over and fucking over again.

_I’m happy with you but it’s just not enough._

_You’re a great guy, but I’m just not really looking for a relationship._

_This has been fun and all but I don’t think you’re the one for me._

_I like you I just don’t love you._

_You’re cute, really, and you have a great personality, it’s not you. It’s me._

“Fuck,” Hoseok breathes. “Chris I—I love you. It’s not—I didn’t mean I’m not happy with you.”

“I love you too. Probably too much,” Chris admits. Can you love someone too much?

“I don’t want—I just wanted to tell you and I’m, I’m, I don’t know—”

“I don’t either, dude,” Chris mutters. This time, it feels like he calls Hoseok that as a defense mechanism. It’s never been that before, but it’s almost like he needs it to be now. He needs to feel some semblance of normalcy, he needs to protect himself in case this goes horribly wrong. So, he stands up and crosses his arms and starts to pace back and forth. Is the room too hot? It feels to hot.

When he turns, Hoseok jumps up and stands in front of him, cups his cheeks. It makes his heart stop beating so fast, makes him feel like he could collapse into Hoseok and cry. Actually, he realizes right then how much he wants to cry. Hoseok’s hands are shaking against his cheeks and he wants to cry.

“I’m—I’m sorry. I’m confused and—and maybe I am too attached to him b—but I love you,” Hoseok says, and Chris believes him. It’s genuine, he knows it is. He knows how it feels to be confused about your feelings towards someone, but he supposes this might be something different.

He sighs. “I get it man. I mean, I’m trying to be supportive here, but…” He bites his bottom lip and blinks back the tears that are threatening to slip down his cheeks. “I’m only attached to you. I only love you. And that’s how it always is with everyone I date and…yeah.”

“You don’t have to be supportive.”

“What?”

Hoseok is playing with the ends of his hair now, something like a nervous habit. “You can be mad. At me,” Hoseok clarifies.

“I’m not mad, Hoseok. I’m just…I don’t want to lose you. I want to know you’re in this.” _Because I see a future with you. I want one with you. I’m stupid and young and I want to see things through with you until I’m not as stupid and not quite as young and…yeah_.

“I am in this,” Hoseok says firmly.

“But like, you can’t be in it for Yoongi too, you know what I mean?”

“You don’t—don’t want me to see him?” Hoseok asks, like a genuine question, not like he’s upset necessarily by the possibility that that’s what Chris would want. Not that it is. He knows nothing good ever comes out of ultimatums like that.

He recalls a time, a long time ago, when his parents would fight. His mom and dad, that is. He knows the reason they really spilt, of course, but he also knows, despite how young he was, that his mother probably hadn’t been faithful to his dad at all. Before they spilt, that is. He remembers his father shouting, sounding upset and hurt, remembers him giving ultimatums, telling his mom that she couldn’t see someone anymore (a friend? a girlfriend?). That hadn’t exactly done much good, had it?

So Chris doesn’t want to fight like that. He doesn’t want a relationship like that.

“No, that’s not—fuck I don’t know how to say it,” he admits, frustrated.

“Just say anything. Tell me how you feel.”

Chris makes a noise, places his hands on Hoseok’s waist and then drops them back at his sides. Then he puts them back. “I’m…I feel like sometimes I’m not…” He shrugs, hesitates. “I’m not going to forbid you from seeing him.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I feel like I’m not enough for you sometimes because, like, I’m not Yoongi and you say that’s a good thing and sometimes I don’t think it is ’cos you obviously still like him but like, is that in my head I don’t know,” he says, all in one rush of a breath. Even worse, he feels a tear finally escape his eyes and slip down his cheek, which Hoseok’s quickly wipes away with his thumb. The gesture is enough to almost make him start sobbing, but luckily he doesn’t.

“You’re enough for me,” Hoseok whispers.

“I just—I just try so hard not to let it bother me but it fuckin’ does. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to be a placeholder.”

“You’re not—”

“I know I’m not but I just feel like that sometimes and it’s shitty being jealous over someone you care so much about.”

_Shit._

He doesn’t want to be jealous, but he supposes that’s what it is, even if he didn’t want it to be.

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok repeats before he smooths his hands over Chris’s shoulders and squeezes gently. “I—I don’t want you to feel like that. Or…you can tell me if you do? You should tell me.”

Chris nods and takes a deep breath. He feels his body relax just a bit, even though he still feels upset. At least he admitted some of what he’s feeling, even though they can’t really resolve everything in one night. “I’ll just…I’ll never be him,” Chris adds.

“I don’t want you to be him?”

“You sure about that?” But he doesn’t like the way that comes out so he shakes his head. “No, sorry, I know you don’t want me to be him. I know that. Because Yoongi is Yoongi and I’m just…me, and this whole conversation is stupid let’s just go to bed.”

When he turns to get into bed, Hoseok grabs his arm. “It’s _not_ stupid,” he insists, which, maybe was what Chris wanted him to say, subconsciously. “I like, no, I love you because you’re you. Yoongi and I have history and I care about him but I still love you and I love who you are. You aren’t ‘just’ anything.” And then there’s more tears welling up in Chris’s eyes. “I won’t see him if you don’t want me to, I wanna be with you—”

“Stop, I’m not gonna ask you to stop seeing him, dude. You know that.” Chris smiles, something small, like a peace offering. “I love you, too.”

Hoseok smiles back and Chris pulls him into a tight hug. “Nothing is gonna happen to us. You believe me?” Hoseok whispers, his lips moving slightly against Chris’s skin.

“Yeah. It’s not…I’m just…they’re my insecurities. I’ve just never been as in love with someone as I am with you.”

“Thanks dude,” Hoseok says, leaning back with a little grin that makes Chris chuckle, but it comes out more pained than he means it to.

“Shut up.”

“Will you come lay down with me?”

“Yeah. ’Course.”

They pull back the covers and Hoseok strips out of his clothes, leaves on his underwear and doesn’t bother with pajamas before they get under the blankets and squish together. Hoseok leans in and kisses Chris on the cheek, then on the jaw. His lips are unfairly soft, feel unfairly good.

“I’ll um, I’ll definitely try to tell you, ya know? If I ever feel weird about anything. It was good for us to say those things.” _Honesty is good._ _We’re good_.

“You can share your insecurities with me you know?” Hoseok says. His fingers tap against Chris’s side, like a dance.

“But they’re my insecurities. And that’s all they are. I don’t know. It feels kind of unfair because I’m insecure all the time.”

“I don’t want you to be insecure all the time.”

“Let’s just sleep,” Chris murmurs. Tomorrow will be better.

“You’re okay?”

“I’m okay.” _I’m mostly okay. I think. Is anyone ever truly, really, totally okay?_

~

Usually, Chris can sleep soundly even when he’s got about a million and one thoughts running through his head. If anything, he’s more the type to stay up too late and not sleep at all, but when he does decide to finally sleep, he’s usually out and stays out. But after yesterday, after his...conversation with Hoseok before they went to sleep, he’s had weird dreams all night. None of them seemed to make much sense, but when his eyes finally open, he’s glad it’s morning.

“Hey,” he murmurs softly to Hoseok when he sees he’s awake too. He thumbs over Chris’s lower lip and Chris smiles, eyes still heavy.

“Hi,” Hoseok replies softly. His voice is deeper in the morning, still a little groggy and it always surprises Chris how much it turns him on. 

“I almost bit your finger in my sleep,” Chris says, and Hoseok brushes over his lower lip again, so Chris bites his thumb gently. It makes Hoseok smile, which is nice to see. It makes Chris momentarily forget about what happened last night. “How long have you been awake?”

Hoseok just hums a nonresponse before leans in and kisses him. It’s meant to just be one kiss, just a soft good morning type of thing, but they’ve never been much for keeping their hands off each other. The kiss still starts off slow, but Chris feels Hoseok part his lips, feels their tongues brush and Hoseok’s hands tangle in his hair.

Soon enough, Hoseok is pulling on his hair (which is actually really hot and Chris actually really likes it even though he’s never really admitted it). And when Hoseok tries to pull Chris on top, Chris grips Hoseok’s waist, feels Hoseok’s leg slot between his own. He grinds against Hoseok’s thigh, moves his hand down to Hoseok’s ass at the same time Hoseok slips his hands under Chris’s shirt so their skin is touching.

It all happens so fast, them pulling off each other’s clothes and kissing over each other’s skin. Chris keeps his touches firm but gentle, while Hoseok is a bit more frantic, nails scraping and teeth biting. But it’s good, it’s always good, even when they’re tangled in the sheets and they’re probably getting lube everywhere. Not that it matters in the moment, because Hoseok is grinding up while Chris fingers him and he’s moaning into their kisses and this is how it should be, them doing this and laughing in the morning and being happy together, not worrying about exes and insecurities.

When Chris finally pushes inside, Hoseok’s breath catches drastically, his head tilting back to expose his throat. His whole body seems to tense, clench and Chris pauses. “You okay?”

“Y—Yeah. Yeah I’m okay,” Hoseok gasps out, and Chris brushes through his hair without moving his hips. His lips graze against the skin of Hoseok’s neck. He smells like soap, not his usual soap, not the vanilla one that Chris likes so much, but it’s nice, Hoseok is always nice. “Are you sure?” Hoseok clenches around him again and his legs shift around Chris’s waist. He nods, hands moving around haphazardly, down Chris’s back and then up to his neck. Chris clears his throat. “I want, um, I wanna make love to you,” he says.

So fuckin’ cheesy.

“I want that too. I want you,” Hoseok breathes.

“Yeah?”

Hoseok pulls him in, kisses him hard and desperately before Chris slows the kiss down and grinds into him even slower. He finds Hoseok’s hand and pins it to the mattress beside Hoseok’s head, tangles their fingers together and feels Hoseok squeeze. When he pulls away from the kiss, Hoseok leans up, chasing his lips.

“You’re so…You’re really beautiful,” Chris murmurs.

“You are,” Hoseok responds, and it makes Chris smile. He’s not sure anyone has called him beautiful before. It’s kinda nice. “Fuck me,” Hoseok adds.

“I already told you.” _I wanna make love to you._

And he does, as best he knows how. He fucks Hoseok slow, kisses his neck even slower, whispers into his ear things that he definitely would not want replayed back to him, ever. But it’s nice, he thinks, Hoseok is making these sweet noises and he’s holding Chris’s hand and he cums untouched, body arching off the bed.

When he comes down though, his body trembles. “You okay?” Chris asks quickly. “You’re shaking.”

“You haven’t come yet,” Hoseok says.

“Hoseok—”

“Keep going.”

“Hoseok, are you sure?” Hoseok nods and Chris cups his cheek, cards his hand through Hoseok’s hair. “I love you so much. You feel so good.”

“You—you too,” Hoseok moans. Chris thrusts back into him, a little bit faster this time, a little bit harder. He’s close, he just wants Hoseok to still feel good, to be in it with him. “Cum inside me,” Hoseok whines.   
“Kiss me. I—”

“I’ve got you. I’m here, baby.”

“Fill me up, I want it—”

Hoseok’s voice is loud, loud enough that Woojin and Byron could probably hear, so Chris kisses him hard, licks into his mouth and when he cums Hoseok chokes on a moan that suddenly turns into a sob and it all happens to fast that it takes Chris a second to catch up.

“What’s wrong? Does it hurt?”

Hoseok shakes his head, but when Chris moves to pull out, he presses his heels into his back. “Nonono don’t. S—Stay.”

“Hoseok, talk to me. What’s wrong?” But maybe there’s nothing wrong. Maybe everything is wrong. He knew they wouldn’t fix whatever last night was in a day. Or maybe it’s not about last night at all. He knows how intense everything has been for Hoseok. Of course he’d be emotional. “Hoseok, I’m gonna pull out.”

“I—I don’t want you to.”

“Hoseok, you’re upset. We just had sex and now you’re upset, I want you to talk to me.”

“I can’t stop thinking a—and my head hurts,” he says shakily.

But even after they’ve cleaned up, even after they’ve talked, it’s like they both know they aren’t saying something. On both sides. But Chris doesn’t actually know what he should say. He wishes…he wishes he was better at this. At relationships and figuring out the right thing to say in moments like these. Sometimes he knows the exact right thing to say and other times he just goes blank, can’t put what he’s feeling into words.

He loves deeply, he knows that. He knows sometimes it’s a lot. He knows Hoseok feels deeply too, that Hoseok loves people passionately, loves what he does passionately, but in a different sort of way than Chris loves. Because Chris knows the difference between how he loves a romantic partner (how he loves Hoseok, so very much) and his friends, and his family. It’s all different kinds of love.

And maybe Hoseok has a harder time differentiating between those different kinds of love, and they all scramble up inside into emotions that he can’t quite figure out how to feel individually. Chris knows enough about Hoseok’s childhood, even with the small details Hoseok is comfortable sharing, to know that shit has to stay with you. His own childhood has stayed with him, even though it was nothing compared to what Hoseok went through.

Whatever though, all of that is just thoughts. Things that he can’t put into real words or say in a real way that would matter much. He just wants Hoseok to know that he understands. He understands what feeling so much feels like. What loving too much feels like.

In the back of his mind, he still feels the nagging sense that his idea of forever might not match Hoseok’s, but…but that could be okay. Things can always change, and he doesn’t want to lose this. Not now.

So when Hoseok goes back to the hospital to see Yoongi, Chris doesn’t feel angry. Or upset, or jealous, or resentful. He understands. Hoseok pulls him into a hug, kisses him and smiles, eyes tired. He promises he’ll be back soon.

“I know you will,” Chris says. “I’ll be here.”

“I know,” Hoseok responds. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” _I love you more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> also to note, a lot of chris's insecurities are highlighted here, a lot of which he doesn't share, so that makes it harder for hoseok to fully understand whats going on in his head sometimes. that doesn't mean hoseok doesn't care about chris's insecurities or whats going on in chris's life. chris just keeps some things to himself, things he doesn't like to talk about. if he did, hoseok would surely be there for him as best he could.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! feel free to leave a comment, or leave a comment or a quote rt on twitter! me and kasia both love seeing feedback and reactions to the aus!
> 
> also happy one year birthday to the foster au lol
> 
> links:  
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/agustddtsuga)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/agustddtsuga)  
> [kasia's twitter](https://twitter.com/malamyszk)


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